If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
tell me about the eggs
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
