My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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