the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize