matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
