Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
