vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
