I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize