Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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