On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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