If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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