Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
