ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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