We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
