Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
