I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
