Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
