This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
