My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Randomize
