I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
