There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
