We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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