The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
