Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
