why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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