you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
