My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
