I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
only if we run a train.
done.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
A+ Viking dick
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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