you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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