Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
