U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
