Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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