I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
