duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
