the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Holy sore nipples Batman
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
