Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
