My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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