i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My sheets look like a crime scene.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
