yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
