just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
