She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
