So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
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