My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
