Don't make out with my wife yet
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
