She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Never underestimate the power of titties
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