I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
