Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Don't tell me you're on acid again
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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