So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize