so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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