Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
