I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
