Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
True college students do jello shots in the library
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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