I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
