He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
