I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
