I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
