I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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