There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
