Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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